Nothing to Celebrate this Year

It's almost Christmas, but I have nothing to celebrate this year. The loss of my husband has made me so sad and angry. No more hugs. No more kisses. No more holding hands. No more Christmases.This will be the first Christmas in 43 years that we won't spend together. He loved Christmas so much. He helped decorate the house and put lights up all over the living room. Last year he made a flag out of lights and red, silver and blue garland outside the door. He always hung all the kids and grandkids stockings up on the closet doors in the living room and always had plenty of candy canes hung up all over the house.
There are no decorations this year. No stockings hung. No nothing. I finally put up a tree, only because my 7 year old granddaughter begged me to. I want no part of Christmas or anything else. If it weren't for my grandchildren I would have already thrown in the towel. My husband loved the grandchildren so much. His biggest worry was our two granddaughters that live with us. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning. He wanted me to make sure they were always well taken care of. I guess he figured I was strong enough to get through losing him. Well he was wrong. Every day is worse than the day before. My strength is dwindling. Everything keeps going wrong. If it isn't one thing, its another. Something is always breaking and I don't like asking for help. I'm used to me and Billy doing things together. I feel so lost. We were one, now I'm nothing without him.
His death was the beginning of a horrible life of nothingness. No Holiday celebrations. No nothing. I feel like a zombie, just trying to get through each day. I hate going to the store. I hate going anywhere. All I see is sadness in my eyes when I look in the mirror.
Billy want's me to take care of the kids, so far now I will while I  fight for the justice he deserves. Death is one thing, but when your loved one is MURDERED, it's a whole different story. And by Doctors and Nurse Practitioners who shouldn't even have a license to practice medicine. It's so sad knowing what has become of today's healthcare. Everything these day's is all about money. Not about people and not about whats right or wrong. One day they will get theirs. I hope they burn in Hell.

Have a Nice Christmas everyone, except the 6 Murderers responsible for my husband's death. I know I won't.
Extremely Pissed off Wife of Bill Knightly